Meltdown

I was just putting the last pair of shoes into their little cubby in my closet when it hit me there was no room for him. I’ve been viewing this move and separation as a chance for us to work on issues and in once sense I still do. I want to give him a chance to change I just don’t think he can.
I went into the second bedroom where my mom was sewing curtains and I sat down on the bed and just started crying. More than likely, my marriage is over. I keep waiting for him to step up to the plate and take responsibility, or, be a man and it just doesn’t happen. He is in denial in a sense but he’s simply showing me, and my parents for that matter, that he cannot “suck it up” and put what he wants to do aside for the greater good of our relationship.

If this were aberrant behavior I would not be so upset but this behavior has gone on for the past three-and-a-half years. I feel I need to chronicle the things that have happened but right now I don’t have the time to do so. Future posts may reflect his behavior and my near-total collapse into depression because I don’t want to forget what I went through just because I still love him. Love is not enough and he doesn’t understand that. My life has come full circle back around to being alone and on my own again.

I am 34 years old and feel just like I did when I was 24 and my parents helped me move into an apartment in Fort Worth, Texas. My Mom stayed and helped me decorate just like she did this week. It was quite odd being in such a state again only 10 years older. By this stage in my life I wanted a husband, friends, children, a dog or two, a home of my own, and a semi-settled life. It’s like I drew the picture in the sand on the shore and little by little the ocean eroded away the image until nothing was left of my dream. I thought when I said “I do” I was on my way to that life.

Oddly enough I had more of that life when I was single than after being married. When I was single I never lacked friends with whom I could go to dinner, movies, plays, concerts, theater, museums, etc. After I got married I went more places alone than with him. I wanted these experiences to be shared, to build memories with someone. Instead I was alone most of the time.

There are still 11 months before we can discuss a divorce and while I’m hoping we can work things out I’ve very little faith that they can be. He still doesn’t understand what I want even though I’ve spelled it out for him quite clearly.

In once sense I’m more upset that a marriage has ended than I am at losing my husband. I ache for the potential I see and the idea that I’ll be 35 years old, single, no children, and divorced. I never wanted to be “that woman” and I am fast on my way to becoming her.

Amazing Family

Well, I am moved. My Mom and Dad arrived on the Friday (before Thanksgiving) and we made small trips back and forth (about 20 miles or so) with boxes and small furniture objects all weekend long. Then the “movers” arrived on Monday (the only day it has rained in the month of November) and packed all the large items including the sleigh bed, dresser, chest of drawers, etc. as well as the second bedroom suit.

The Husband did not pack a single thing. My Mom, Dad and I packed all of his stuff and moved it into the garage and they also generously paid to have his living room and den furniture moved into his new place. It’s a week later and he still has to get his stuff out of the garage and bedroom closet before I can turn the keys into the landlord. The move was tiring and exhausting but we’re finished. My new apartment is coming together nicely too. Mom made curtains for the living and dining areas and both bedrooms. I’ll try and get some photos soon. Dad put up shelving in the pantry area and hung the rods for all the curtains and a lot of other general stuff. He was so cute with his three-day beard, scruffy hair, plaid flannel shirt and all of his tools spread out and trying to find just the right bit for his drill.

After getting all of my things out of the house Mom, Dad and I went through and cleaned everything from top to bottom. I cannot believe they were willing to clean up his messes but they were. We vacuumed, dusted, cleaned toilets and bathrooms. We also cleaned up the computer room and its disgusting mess. I am continually amazed at the loving kindness my parents have shown. They are examples to be followed and should I ever be so blessed to have children I would like to think I would follow in their footsteps.

"Single" Again

Well, today is the day I officially sign the lease and become “single” again. I’ll still be married for another 11 months, at the least, but I’ll be living alone. My parents will arrive early this afternoon and we’ll begin moving the small boxes tonight.

We will be moving all of the “small stuff” and movers will be here on Monday to take care of the furniture and other large items. I’ve purchased a tailored couch, chair, and ottoman for the living/den area as well as a new duvet cover, quilt, and pillow shams for my sleigh bed. He is basically taking what he brought into the marriage and I am taking what I brought into it. As far as wedding gifts go, well, he said he doesn’t want any of the china, crystal, or other gifts. We received about at least 200 gifts and I’d say that 185 of them were from my parent’s friends. I guess he figures he’d never need 12 place settings of Lenox Eternal Gold, or 12 Gorham Lady Anne crystal iced-beverage glasses. I don’t suppose he needs four place settings of Reed and Barton Francis I sterling silver either. In four and a half years we’ve only eaten on our china like twice and we’ve never eaten with our silver service.

I wanted the traditional wedding along with the traditional gifts. I wanted a somewhat-traditional life. I thought he did too. I got the wedding and the gifts but certainly not the life. It’s been hard to box up everything knowing it means the dissolution of a relationship. At the same time it’s been wonderful knowing I can start over and reclaim what I know to be true. I feel so guilty yet relieved at the same time. Then, I feel guilty for feeling relieved.

Talked to the Husband last night and it seems he will not be able to make it back up to pack so yours truly is going to be packing everything for him. This is just a repeat of 3 years ago when I packed everything we moved into where I am now. As I have been doing for about a year and a half now I just agreed and said I’d pack for him. You cannot argue with someone whose only answer to your questions is “I’m sorry and I’ll try to do better.” Since I’m the only one who would get upset or angry about things I decided to just give in and let him do what he wanted to do because I didn’t have the energy to fight anymore. I just couldn’t do it because I was the only one being hurt. Same with the moving. My father has been generous in paying for the Husband’s heavy items to be moved to where he is living now and the Hub will not have to pay him back either.

I am so tired and I need a break or I’m liable to need an abundance of Xanex as well as a padded cell. I don’t know if/when I’ll have time to post again over the next week or so but I’m sure I’ll have plenty of stories to tell when I get back. Wish me luck.

Moving

My friend T is coming over tonight to help me finish packing. I’m eternally grateful. I’ll pick up a pizza at this wonderful place owned and run by what appears to be the cast of the Sopranos.

The Husband came on Monday and got his computer equipment, the rest of his guitars and the cats. He did not get any of the 25 or so boxes I had packed for him and put in the garage. When asked if would be making a 2nd trip he said “no” because he wouldn’t have enough money. His expenses have been cut in half and he still cannot manage to budget. I know he had to spend some money on his car but not his whole paycheck. Just thinking about it makes me tired.

My house/life is just as chaotic as it can be and my goal is to get out of that house. My focus is pretty set on that. I feel like it's T minus 10 and counting... I've got 5 days left to sleep there and I just know there'll be fireworks and a huge party the first night I spend in my new place. Leaving the town home is the milestone to moving on with my life. I feel as long as I am still there I'll still be that person but if I can be somewhere else I can get "me" back and I'm almost scared who I was is gone for good. II know who I am now and there's an awful lot I don't like about me. I guess today everything hit me and I'm just in anxiety/panic/stress mode.

My mom called today just to tell me how proud of me she was for taking these steps and making this move. She said she would have probably crumbled a long time ago and she admired how strong I was. It's ironic or divinely coincidental because today of all days I feel like I'm just about to crack. I feel so tightly wound that I don't know if I'll ever relax. I need a massage, a beach, and a pitcher or two of margaritas. And I don't see any time in the near future where I can have that total relaxation. I'm just so tired I think I could sleep for a week and it's not just the physical tiredness. I'm so tired of dealing with his BS. We talked again last night and he went on and on about how he missed me and etc. etc. etc how he doesn't want to be in the house because there'll be too many memories and he's all emotional and how he doesn't want me to see him like this. He doesn't understand STILL that he's the reason I'm doing this. He pushed me away a little bit each day for 2.5 years and I finally had enough.

There is a part of me that still feels sympathy for him and I know it is faulty thinking but I just keep wondering if it was me somehow. I wasn't a good enough wife, maybe if I'd done a little more, folded his laundry without asking him to help, cleaned the whole house without asking for help, nagged him about the financial end of thing. I know it is not my job to be his mother or his keeper but I still feel like a failure. I know no relationship is perfect and I don't think I have unrealistic expectations anymore. I just want to be in a relationship with someone where we are both pulling in the same direction rather than opposite ones.

Is that so wrong? Is it wrong to want that Norman-Rockwell, Eddie-Bauer, L.L.-Bean Pottery-Barn catalog kind of life? I want those warm, rich scenes with friends and family and everyone is smiling. I want the atmosphere to full of love and acceptance. I want great food cooking in the kitchen and a nice filet on the grill, a glass of wine and people with whom I want to talk all night. And, at the end of the night after everyone leaves I want to turn to my Husband, look into his eyes, not have to say a word but let the dishes wait until the morning and know the only place I ever want to be is in his arms.

I want his arms to mean Home to me. To mean Safety. To mean Security. To mean Unconditional Love. To mean Trust. To mean Lust. To know that no one other than my Dad will ever love me as much as he does. I want to know I can give over everything of me and he will treasure me and not take me for granted. I want his arms to mean Teamwork. His hands to pick me up when I fall. I want his fingers to wipe away my tears. I want a mature Man. I don’t want to be his Mother…. I want to be his Lover. I want to know his hands can bring me pleasure. I want passionate kissing, I want to know we can raise that fire in one another and the bond we create wile doing so is part of the glue that holds us together.

I want that act to be something more than just f*ucking—not that that is a bad thing. But in addition to fast and furious, I want to make love. It hurts to say but in all my marriage I’ve only made love once. Every other time we’ve ever been together has just been physical.

I guess if you’re reading this I’m sounding like a profound romantic. Well, I am. I want Bliss. I guess I just need to find someone who wants the same thing…. AND is willing to work together in order achieve it. I have no doubt that it will be hard work but I want to be able to enjoy the ride not just the destination.

Disgust

I’m running on energy reserves I didn’t know I had. Monday evening I told the Husband I was moving out. It was not well received and he’s quite unhappy with me at the moment. He had asked me for a month “trial” separation, which I knew wasn’t going to work from the very beginning so now he’s angry I didn’t even give it a week. I guess he doesn’t remember me telling him a month wasn’t enough time to work through things.

So, on Thursday I called the landlord, who is also a friend, and told her we would not be renewing the lease. A couple of hours later she called me back and wants to come see the town home tonight at 7pm so she can assess what will need to be done to prepare for new tenants. I panicked a bit since I’ve been in packing mode and not cleaning mode but told her to come on up. I then called the Husband and asked him if he would/could come and help me clean. He declined saying he would be too emotional to get any actual cleaning accomplished. I would say I got angry but I don’t get angry anymore. That emotion just isn’t there where he is concerned. However, that being said I feel the need to vent about the “State of the Upstairs of My House.”

First however, I’ll impart some background info on the Husband and his standards for cleanliness. Let’s just say they are radically different from mine. For the last three years we’ve lived the “upstairs-downstairs” way. Other than sleeping downstairs in the master bedroom with me (which he only does if he doesn’t fall a sleep playing PS2 or watching TV) he lives upstairs. I watch TV in the bedroom. The Husband smokes cigarettes and “herb” in our house. I do not smoke anything and I detest cigarette smoke so he smokes in the upstairs part of our town home. I stay downstairs because I just can’t abide being around it and he refuses to go outside just to smoke a cigarette.

He is also the keeper of the litter box. This is the ONLY chore we do not share. This is his job and his alone. Everything else, I do most of and he does occasionally. We even have the “Litter Maid” litter box for multiple cats (we have two) and he cannot manage to empty the little carton with any kind of regularity.

One of the last times I went upstairs I noticed several burn holes in the carpet. Again, I didn’t get angry just resigned that yet again I’ll be the one who cleans up his mess. So, I knew to get the upstairs presentable for my landlord I’ve have to take care of the litter problem as well as the cigarette burns. I went to three Home Depot’s and one Lowe’s looking for duck-bill angled carpet scissors so I could cut out the burned fibers in the carpet so it would appear at the least a little more presentable.

I get home about 8pm and proceed to start cleaning. This is what I find:

4 or 5 empty, or near-empty plastic cups.
Several knives, forks and other utensils (Reed and Barton Stainless in Crescendo at $40 a place setting)
2 semi-empty beer cans
1 ashtray overflowing with cigarette butts
Approximately 8 empty packs of Marlboro Extra Lights with the cellophane wrappers in 8 additional places
1 plastic 32oz cup from a fast-food restaurant half-filled with cigarette ashes and cigarette butts
3 paper plates
2 pair of fingernail clippers
1 pair of toenail clippers
2 pair of tweezers
8 or 9 CDs and DVDs not in their respective covers
3 blankets of various sizes 2 of which the cats have used as a litter box since their litter box is overflowing
Additional cigarette butts and ashes all over the floor
Stains caused by who knows what covering various areas on the floor
And… Etc. Etc. more ashes and more butts.
Everything everywhere was covered in "ash dust" and very grey in nature.

I documented with photos in case he ever tries to dispute his slovenliness.

So, I got turned on the radio to the “alternative” station and started working. I won’t bore you with the contents of the computer room and the litter box. Let’s just say it hasn’t been emptied or cleaned out, or any litter added to it in at least a week or so. After he left I purchased a small one for the downstairs and have been emptying it every day and have had no problems. I worked from 8pm until 1am and all I got accomplished was “damage control.” I boxed up his CDs and DVDs and any other miscellaneous stuff and put it in the garage. He is coming on Monday to get his stuff and to take the cats for a while.

I can’t describe my emotional state right now. One minute I think we have a chance to work things out and he’ll grow up and be the responsible adult I need him to be and then I see how he treats our furniture, the carpet, and everything else and I think he’s just an irresponsible “child” and I don’t have it in me to wait as long as it would take him to become mature.

If I’m honest with myself I’ve known for at least a year and a half where we were headed but due to certain circumstances couldn't make the transition. I suppose I've been mourning the loss of the relationship for about two years now. At first the mourning was for the relationship I wanted but knew I could never have with him. Then I mourned the fact that even after I resigned myself to what he could offer and decided to accept what I had, it still wasn't working. Now, I’m numb. I don’t feel much of anything and I’m not sure how long that lasts.