Living to fight another day...
So, it's been a long time since I wrote... and I'm no more sure of things today than I was four years ago. And, I'm beginning to wonder if it's just time to move on.
I realize that a change of location doesn't change my situation but I'm so tired of fighting. I'm tired of getting up every day and trying to make myself believe that I'm OK. That I don't still hurt and I don't still long for a love that is but a memory.
I realize that it's over... I've moved on, he's moved on—he's married now. And, truthfully... I want him to be happy. We still move in some of the same circles, which at times is awkward because his new wife is not a fan of mine. She seems to be terribly uncomfortable with my presence. I met with her this summer, before they married, and tried to make peace. It didn't go so well. And, because she is married to someone I once loved... I wish her well.
I've also made peace with my ex-husband on a number of levels. We are now "facebook" friends. We've had several online chats and I think I might actually be able to see him on a social basis, on occasion. I've forgiven him for so many things. But, I've not entirely come to a place where I'm "all right" with my past.
As my Father said when he was here in December... North Carolina has not been good to me when it comes to love. I've had my heart broken twice. And, I just don't know that I can live through another heartbreak, in North Carolina or not. I'm so scared of falling in love again because I seriously don't know if I can live through pain like the last one.
The thing is... I don't want "Friend wit Benefits." I suppose it's a catch 22. There are still many unanswered questions and no closure in certain areas. And, I don't know that there ever will be. But, I am beginning to wonder... if it's just time to move on.
I hate the thought of leaving here with my tail between my legs but maybe it's time to quit this battle so I have the ability to fight again. I'm just tired of fighting. I don't know if this is a battle I'll ever win.
I realize that a change of location doesn't change my situation but I'm so tired of fighting. I'm tired of getting up every day and trying to make myself believe that I'm OK. That I don't still hurt and I don't still long for a love that is but a memory.
I realize that it's over... I've moved on, he's moved on—he's married now. And, truthfully... I want him to be happy. We still move in some of the same circles, which at times is awkward because his new wife is not a fan of mine. She seems to be terribly uncomfortable with my presence. I met with her this summer, before they married, and tried to make peace. It didn't go so well. And, because she is married to someone I once loved... I wish her well.
I've also made peace with my ex-husband on a number of levels. We are now "facebook" friends. We've had several online chats and I think I might actually be able to see him on a social basis, on occasion. I've forgiven him for so many things. But, I've not entirely come to a place where I'm "all right" with my past.
As my Father said when he was here in December... North Carolina has not been good to me when it comes to love. I've had my heart broken twice. And, I just don't know that I can live through another heartbreak, in North Carolina or not. I'm so scared of falling in love again because I seriously don't know if I can live through pain like the last one.
The thing is... I don't want "Friend wit Benefits." I suppose it's a catch 22. There are still many unanswered questions and no closure in certain areas. And, I don't know that there ever will be. But, I am beginning to wonder... if it's just time to move on.
I hate the thought of leaving here with my tail between my legs but maybe it's time to quit this battle so I have the ability to fight again. I'm just tired of fighting. I don't know if this is a battle I'll ever win.
posted by Ephemeral | 11:35 PM
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