Untitled

And, still a work in progress but I'm posting it anyway. I'm not sure about the last few lines so I reserve the right to edit.


Please.
Just take me there.

Take me away from all the pain
In altered states on streets of Main
While walking toward your corridor
Circuitous path on a dirty floor
Leads me on, your gritty truth
Clarified in fisheye, loupe

Please.
Just take me there.

A bottle of wine, Blood from my vein
Salty tears, from pleasure gained
In a haze of red, there’s a bruise of blue
And black is the color of my coffee.
Yes black is the color of my coffee.

Please.
Just take me there.

Please.
Just take me there.

Please.

Finished

Once and for all, I told him I'm finished today. It's the hardest thing I've ever done and this is the most pain I've ever felt in my entire life.

Recounting: Part I

Late January/Early February

We go to a couple’s counseling session where P basically admits he needs to make major changes in his life to be the both the man I need him to be as well as the man he wants to be. He says he thinks the separation was a good thing in the sense that it made him realize the he has a lot of growing up to do.

He discovered he is a slob, an absolute slob. BUT, it took him living with someone who is a bigger slob than he is to realize he has the exact same habits. He never realized it until suddenly there was no one to pick up after him and his roommate (Monica) makes as much a mess of things as he does.

He admits to being a little serious about his personal motto “Live each day as if it were your last” Having lived with him, I agree. He did not plan for the future at all because it never occurred to him to do so.

I tell the therapist the “if we’d had sex more often I could have managed to pay the bills on time and clean the house” story. He says he’s now aware that was not the best thing to say or do but he still stands by it.

Then, I ask for a few moments alone with our counselor. He leaves and goes to the lobby. The therapist and I both come to the following conclusion: His emotional maturity level is that of a 15-year-old boy.

He has not matured pas the point where you work for the reward at the end and not simply because it’s the right thing to do. Work is something he gets “paid” to do. He doesn’t sense the urgency or see the necessity to maintain anything outside of his employment. Because at his job they pay him to work and thus the financial aspect is his reward. At home, he doesn’t get paid to do the laundry, or empty the dishwasher, or clean the cat litter. So, instead of financial rewards, he expects sex when he does something around the house and since I wasn’t “rewarding” him as much as he thought I should be, he didn’t see the benefit of doing the right thing.

Sigh. I am married to a 32-year-old child. He’s a kind, loving, big-hearted, tender 32-year-old child, but a child none the less. Sigh.

The counselor then says he will continue to see us if I want to continue but I’m the one that needs to decide whether or not I want to continue. If I do want to continue, what do I hope to get out of it?

At the end of the session I am undecided.

Prodigal Blogger

OK, so I’ve been living under the radar for a while and thus a lot has transpired since last I spoke.

I have started to post several times but have stopped mid-stream simply because I find I am exhausted even thinking about everything.

I also want to make sure I give the back story as well relay the events so it may take a while to finish these posts and I also think it will be easier if I post by date so the recounting will be chronological.

However (PB), know that I am working on them and will have them up as soon as they are finished. Thank you for your continued support and caring.