Happiness was...

I was happy. I was content. I felt peace.

It's been almost two years since I've felt those emotions and felt that life had purpose and meaning. I've been in an emotionally intense depression for the last two years and I am beginning to wonder if this time in my life will ever end.

I have had moments of peace, moments of happiness and moments of contentment but those moments are fleeting and they are few and far between. I long to feel those things on a much more consistent basis.

I pray for peace, contentment and to be happy where I am, with the lack of direction with the lack of security and constant ambiguity. But I am not. I pray that God will see my heart and not hold my actions against me. I know I have to give up "me." And often, I am not willing to do that. So, I also pray to be willing, able and ready to surrender.

I want to be happy again. I want to feel free again, to feel as if there are better times ahead.