Disgust

I’m running on energy reserves I didn’t know I had. Monday evening I told the Husband I was moving out. It was not well received and he’s quite unhappy with me at the moment. He had asked me for a month “trial” separation, which I knew wasn’t going to work from the very beginning so now he’s angry I didn’t even give it a week. I guess he doesn’t remember me telling him a month wasn’t enough time to work through things.

So, on Thursday I called the landlord, who is also a friend, and told her we would not be renewing the lease. A couple of hours later she called me back and wants to come see the town home tonight at 7pm so she can assess what will need to be done to prepare for new tenants. I panicked a bit since I’ve been in packing mode and not cleaning mode but told her to come on up. I then called the Husband and asked him if he would/could come and help me clean. He declined saying he would be too emotional to get any actual cleaning accomplished. I would say I got angry but I don’t get angry anymore. That emotion just isn’t there where he is concerned. However, that being said I feel the need to vent about the “State of the Upstairs of My House.”

First however, I’ll impart some background info on the Husband and his standards for cleanliness. Let’s just say they are radically different from mine. For the last three years we’ve lived the “upstairs-downstairs” way. Other than sleeping downstairs in the master bedroom with me (which he only does if he doesn’t fall a sleep playing PS2 or watching TV) he lives upstairs. I watch TV in the bedroom. The Husband smokes cigarettes and “herb” in our house. I do not smoke anything and I detest cigarette smoke so he smokes in the upstairs part of our town home. I stay downstairs because I just can’t abide being around it and he refuses to go outside just to smoke a cigarette.

He is also the keeper of the litter box. This is the ONLY chore we do not share. This is his job and his alone. Everything else, I do most of and he does occasionally. We even have the “Litter Maid” litter box for multiple cats (we have two) and he cannot manage to empty the little carton with any kind of regularity.

One of the last times I went upstairs I noticed several burn holes in the carpet. Again, I didn’t get angry just resigned that yet again I’ll be the one who cleans up his mess. So, I knew to get the upstairs presentable for my landlord I’ve have to take care of the litter problem as well as the cigarette burns. I went to three Home Depot’s and one Lowe’s looking for duck-bill angled carpet scissors so I could cut out the burned fibers in the carpet so it would appear at the least a little more presentable.

I get home about 8pm and proceed to start cleaning. This is what I find:

4 or 5 empty, or near-empty plastic cups.
Several knives, forks and other utensils (Reed and Barton Stainless in Crescendo at $40 a place setting)
2 semi-empty beer cans
1 ashtray overflowing with cigarette butts
Approximately 8 empty packs of Marlboro Extra Lights with the cellophane wrappers in 8 additional places
1 plastic 32oz cup from a fast-food restaurant half-filled with cigarette ashes and cigarette butts
3 paper plates
2 pair of fingernail clippers
1 pair of toenail clippers
2 pair of tweezers
8 or 9 CDs and DVDs not in their respective covers
3 blankets of various sizes 2 of which the cats have used as a litter box since their litter box is overflowing
Additional cigarette butts and ashes all over the floor
Stains caused by who knows what covering various areas on the floor
And… Etc. Etc. more ashes and more butts.
Everything everywhere was covered in "ash dust" and very grey in nature.

I documented with photos in case he ever tries to dispute his slovenliness.

So, I got turned on the radio to the “alternative” station and started working. I won’t bore you with the contents of the computer room and the litter box. Let’s just say it hasn’t been emptied or cleaned out, or any litter added to it in at least a week or so. After he left I purchased a small one for the downstairs and have been emptying it every day and have had no problems. I worked from 8pm until 1am and all I got accomplished was “damage control.” I boxed up his CDs and DVDs and any other miscellaneous stuff and put it in the garage. He is coming on Monday to get his stuff and to take the cats for a while.

I can’t describe my emotional state right now. One minute I think we have a chance to work things out and he’ll grow up and be the responsible adult I need him to be and then I see how he treats our furniture, the carpet, and everything else and I think he’s just an irresponsible “child” and I don’t have it in me to wait as long as it would take him to become mature.

If I’m honest with myself I’ve known for at least a year and a half where we were headed but due to certain circumstances couldn't make the transition. I suppose I've been mourning the loss of the relationship for about two years now. At first the mourning was for the relationship I wanted but knew I could never have with him. Then I mourned the fact that even after I resigned myself to what he could offer and decided to accept what I had, it still wasn't working. Now, I’m numb. I don’t feel much of anything and I’m not sure how long that lasts.