White Space

Your reality is consistent
In the white space of my mind.
In images, things are different,
Transformed over time.

Somehow you manipulate,
Turn them back around.
Inside out and upside down,
Inverted, they confound.

Performing acrobatics,
Appeasing your desire.
Quashing qualms, effort less
Scorched by white-hot fire.

Restless Heart

I’m anxious. I’m fidgety. I’m frustrated. I’m restless. I cannot concentrate longer than about a minute on anything and I’m all over the map with my emotions and thoughts. I feel like I should be doing something but I don’t know what. All I know is I don’t have any calm right now.

Compared to the roller coaster that was my life just six months ago I now traverse an amazingly calm path but I suppose that roller coaster has had yet another negative effect as well. It took all my energy to get through life and the day today that I’ve forgotten how to live I guess.

I’m not making any sense. Let’s start over.

I think we adapt to our circumstances in order to survive. I adapted to never knowing what might happen next, to always being on edge, to living under tremendous pressure for the last almost three years. Then, I made the decision to leave and one day later I was rear-ended by an 18-wheeler. Add the stress of being without a vehicle to everything else and life was just crazy. But, I made it through the initial separation, the packing, the moving, getting settled, the holidays, and finally establishing somewhat of a routine and now that I’ve got my life calmed down I don’t know what to do. I was/am so used to living under pressure I now don’t know what do and so I’m constantly moving, if only internally.

I don’t know how to do calm and peaceful.

I’ve never been one to easily relax but this seems a bit extreme even for me. I feel guilty if I sit down to watch TV and I’m not doing anything. I feel guilty because I should be enjoying my freedom and being creative and I cannot. I feel like I should be drawing, painting, creating a collage or a watercolor or pastel or a cake, or dinner from scratch, or sewing, or writing or, or, or, the list just goes on. I’ve had to worry about everything for so long and now I don’t have to.

I keep wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. What big problem is just around the corner? When is all hell going to break loose? I could use about a month of doctor-sanctioned mental health vacation.

I want to get my “joie de vive” back.

What Now?

I received a late-night call from the Husband earlier this week. It started out pretty innocent but quickly turned into a lot of crying and feeling overly emotional. He was saying how he missed me and how he wanted to work on our relationship. He then asked me this question: “How are we supposed to work on our relationship when you don’t want to see me?” I didn’t answer; I couldn’t. I just remained silent and he then said I didn’t have to answer right away.

The thing I cannot bring myself to tell him is that I don’t want to.