Meltdown
I was just putting the last pair of shoes into their little cubby in my closet when it hit me there was no room for him. I’ve been viewing this move and separation as a chance for us to work on issues and in once sense I still do. I want to give him a chance to change I just don’t think he can.
I went into the second bedroom where my mom was sewing curtains and I sat down on the bed and just started crying. More than likely, my marriage is over. I keep waiting for him to step up to the plate and take responsibility, or, be a man and it just doesn’t happen. He is in denial in a sense but he’s simply showing me, and my parents for that matter, that he cannot “suck it up” and put what he wants to do aside for the greater good of our relationship.
If this were aberrant behavior I would not be so upset but this behavior has gone on for the past three-and-a-half years. I feel I need to chronicle the things that have happened but right now I don’t have the time to do so. Future posts may reflect his behavior and my near-total collapse into depression because I don’t want to forget what I went through just because I still love him. Love is not enough and he doesn’t understand that. My life has come full circle back around to being alone and on my own again.
I am 34 years old and feel just like I did when I was 24 and my parents helped me move into an apartment in Fort Worth, Texas. My Mom stayed and helped me decorate just like she did this week. It was quite odd being in such a state again only 10 years older. By this stage in my life I wanted a husband, friends, children, a dog or two, a home of my own, and a semi-settled life. It’s like I drew the picture in the sand on the shore and little by little the ocean eroded away the image until nothing was left of my dream. I thought when I said “I do” I was on my way to that life.
Oddly enough I had more of that life when I was single than after being married. When I was single I never lacked friends with whom I could go to dinner, movies, plays, concerts, theater, museums, etc. After I got married I went more places alone than with him. I wanted these experiences to be shared, to build memories with someone. Instead I was alone most of the time.
There are still 11 months before we can discuss a divorce and while I’m hoping we can work things out I’ve very little faith that they can be. He still doesn’t understand what I want even though I’ve spelled it out for him quite clearly.
In once sense I’m more upset that a marriage has ended than I am at losing my husband. I ache for the potential I see and the idea that I’ll be 35 years old, single, no children, and divorced. I never wanted to be “that woman” and I am fast on my way to becoming her.
I went into the second bedroom where my mom was sewing curtains and I sat down on the bed and just started crying. More than likely, my marriage is over. I keep waiting for him to step up to the plate and take responsibility, or, be a man and it just doesn’t happen. He is in denial in a sense but he’s simply showing me, and my parents for that matter, that he cannot “suck it up” and put what he wants to do aside for the greater good of our relationship.
If this were aberrant behavior I would not be so upset but this behavior has gone on for the past three-and-a-half years. I feel I need to chronicle the things that have happened but right now I don’t have the time to do so. Future posts may reflect his behavior and my near-total collapse into depression because I don’t want to forget what I went through just because I still love him. Love is not enough and he doesn’t understand that. My life has come full circle back around to being alone and on my own again.
I am 34 years old and feel just like I did when I was 24 and my parents helped me move into an apartment in Fort Worth, Texas. My Mom stayed and helped me decorate just like she did this week. It was quite odd being in such a state again only 10 years older. By this stage in my life I wanted a husband, friends, children, a dog or two, a home of my own, and a semi-settled life. It’s like I drew the picture in the sand on the shore and little by little the ocean eroded away the image until nothing was left of my dream. I thought when I said “I do” I was on my way to that life.
Oddly enough I had more of that life when I was single than after being married. When I was single I never lacked friends with whom I could go to dinner, movies, plays, concerts, theater, museums, etc. After I got married I went more places alone than with him. I wanted these experiences to be shared, to build memories with someone. Instead I was alone most of the time.
There are still 11 months before we can discuss a divorce and while I’m hoping we can work things out I’ve very little faith that they can be. He still doesn’t understand what I want even though I’ve spelled it out for him quite clearly.
In once sense I’m more upset that a marriage has ended than I am at losing my husband. I ache for the potential I see and the idea that I’ll be 35 years old, single, no children, and divorced. I never wanted to be “that woman” and I am fast on my way to becoming her.
posted by Ephemeral | 12:28 PM
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