Restless Heart
I’m anxious. I’m fidgety. I’m frustrated. I’m restless. I cannot concentrate longer than about a minute on anything and I’m all over the map with my emotions and thoughts. I feel like I should be doing something but I don’t know what. All I know is I don’t have any calm right now.
Compared to the roller coaster that was my life just six months ago I now traverse an amazingly calm path but I suppose that roller coaster has had yet another negative effect as well. It took all my energy to get through life and the day today that I’ve forgotten how to live I guess.
I’m not making any sense. Let’s start over.
I think we adapt to our circumstances in order to survive. I adapted to never knowing what might happen next, to always being on edge, to living under tremendous pressure for the last almost three years. Then, I made the decision to leave and one day later I was rear-ended by an 18-wheeler. Add the stress of being without a vehicle to everything else and life was just crazy. But, I made it through the initial separation, the packing, the moving, getting settled, the holidays, and finally establishing somewhat of a routine and now that I’ve got my life calmed down I don’t know what to do. I was/am so used to living under pressure I now don’t know what do and so I’m constantly moving, if only internally.
I don’t know how to do calm and peaceful.
I’ve never been one to easily relax but this seems a bit extreme even for me. I feel guilty if I sit down to watch TV and I’m not doing anything. I feel guilty because I should be enjoying my freedom and being creative and I cannot. I feel like I should be drawing, painting, creating a collage or a watercolor or pastel or a cake, or dinner from scratch, or sewing, or writing or, or, or, the list just goes on. I’ve had to worry about everything for so long and now I don’t have to.
I keep wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. What big problem is just around the corner? When is all hell going to break loose? I could use about a month of doctor-sanctioned mental health vacation.
I want to get my “joie de vive” back.
Compared to the roller coaster that was my life just six months ago I now traverse an amazingly calm path but I suppose that roller coaster has had yet another negative effect as well. It took all my energy to get through life and the day today that I’ve forgotten how to live I guess.
I’m not making any sense. Let’s start over.
I think we adapt to our circumstances in order to survive. I adapted to never knowing what might happen next, to always being on edge, to living under tremendous pressure for the last almost three years. Then, I made the decision to leave and one day later I was rear-ended by an 18-wheeler. Add the stress of being without a vehicle to everything else and life was just crazy. But, I made it through the initial separation, the packing, the moving, getting settled, the holidays, and finally establishing somewhat of a routine and now that I’ve got my life calmed down I don’t know what to do. I was/am so used to living under pressure I now don’t know what do and so I’m constantly moving, if only internally.
I don’t know how to do calm and peaceful.
I’ve never been one to easily relax but this seems a bit extreme even for me. I feel guilty if I sit down to watch TV and I’m not doing anything. I feel guilty because I should be enjoying my freedom and being creative and I cannot. I feel like I should be drawing, painting, creating a collage or a watercolor or pastel or a cake, or dinner from scratch, or sewing, or writing or, or, or, the list just goes on. I’ve had to worry about everything for so long and now I don’t have to.
I keep wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. What big problem is just around the corner? When is all hell going to break loose? I could use about a month of doctor-sanctioned mental health vacation.
I want to get my “joie de vive” back.
posted by Ephemeral | 11:56 AM
5 Comments:
I know the feeling you're describing. No matter what I would do, I'd feel guilty because I wasn't doing any number of other things. It wasn't a question of priority; I felt guilty no matter what I was doing, whether it was trivial or monumental. My inner critic constantly nagged me and made me feel like a loser because I couldn't do everything at once and do it well. The fucker.
After a while, I found that I didn't want to do anything. Why bother when it meant more condemnation? Depression soon followed.
Ordinarily, we accept our own shortcomings and allow ourselves some slack if we don't do all that we have planned or do it perfectly. After all, we tell ourselves, I'm only human. So if it isn’t our nature to constantly condemn ourselves, who does the critic’s voice belong to?
The thing is, E, it isn't us who's kicking our ass. It isn't anything human at all, actually. Trauma and pressure and emotional pain and confusion are normal when one leaves a relationship. If the other party is co-dependent or otherwise emotionally unstable, it's not uncommon to feel both relieved and guilty that you are free of him or her. But if the other refuses to attend to his own wounds and turns to you with each drama, fear, and failure after the split, he is suggesting that all of his trials and tribulations are your fault for leaving. You must then shoulder his guilt as well as your own. Your inner critic, who was once a trusted guide, starts to sound like him, manipulate like him, and inflict you with pain that isn't yours to bear.
The good news is that by recognizing that you have unwittingly been victimized, you can overpower the usurper and once again choose what you are proud of, ashamed of, and so on. Your inner critic is there to help you, not hurt you.
Banish the other from your head like you did from your bed. He has so clouded your own values with his manipulations that you are in danger of losing yourself. Stay in the moment, find peace in the natural rhythms of your actions, and meditate.
Sorry this is so long.
Thanks for your kinds words PB. I've been wrestling (pun intended) with this issue for a long time. I also tend to over-analyze everything which can be both good and bad.
The reason he's estranged but not the ex is because in my state (no fault) you must be separated for one year and one day before you can file for a divorce. I've got 7.5 months to go. It's going to be a long one.
Nice to know there's someone who can relate.
I not only can relate, I give a shit. I'm not sure why, since we've never met and I know little about you. But I like your persona, your voice, and your spirit-quest.
Thank you PB. I like you too...
Geeze, girl. You are describing my life. I know exactly how you feel. There is just no closure and I find myself creating crises for myself just to keep the emptiness from swallowing me. Reading, sailing, working out, and even church are helping me get my life back but it's certainly slow going. Finally, I must say that there is nothing more terrifying than the numbness. You are not alone. I'll keep ya in my prayers. *smile*
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