Reality Check
My holidays were spent wonderfully in the company of my family both in North Carolina and in my home state. I had 11 glorious days away from the real world and in a nice warm and cozy cocoon. Unfortunately, that came to an end on Tuesday when I had to come be back at work. It’s not too bad however, I really enjoy my job and I am glad to have a little bit of privacy again. Ohh, that and being back in my own bed—bliss at last.
Before my family arrived I agreed to have lunch with the Husband. We discussed it on Friday the week before Christmas that we would meet on the 19th which was the following Wednesday at the Chili’s close to his work. I had purchased several DVDs and the 3rd season of Family Guy for him and I had made “goodies” for his mom and step-dad. So, he calls me on Wednesday morning and asks if we can meet at Sonic instead. This should have been my first clue.
Now, he knows I’m not a huge fan of fast-food, which he admittedly could eat 6 days out of 7 and this is supposed to be our Christmas lunch since I won’t be spending the holiday with him. I declined. He then stumbled a bit and said we would have to go Dutch if we ate anywhere else. I asked if he had not gotten paid the week before and he said he had but that he had spent all his money on Christmas presents. But, he didn’t get mine yet. He’d have to wait to buy mine until he got his commission check. I reluctantly agreed to meet him at another restaurant, also close to where he works and go Dutch.
So, I arrive at the restaurant and it’s uncomfortable but we make it through lunch OK. I see him fumbling in his wallet, looking like he doesn’t have enough cash, (he only has about $20 to last him until his next paycheck) so I offer to pick up the tab for lunch. He is thankful and all I can think of at that moment is how we’ve now been living apart for almost two months and I’m still paying for everything.
He still doesn’t have the ability to plan in advance. I’m not angry that I had to fork over the money for lunch, no pun intended. It’s just that if this is his way of trying to “win me back” believe me it’s not working. He has failed to show me that he can take charge of a situation and be in control of anything except his job. He does so well there he’s been awarded a promotion. While this just reinforces my decision to leave it also reinforces the idea that “I’m just not worth it.” I am not worth him even planning in advance enough to pick up an extra $10 for lunch.
Before my family arrived I agreed to have lunch with the Husband. We discussed it on Friday the week before Christmas that we would meet on the 19th which was the following Wednesday at the Chili’s close to his work. I had purchased several DVDs and the 3rd season of Family Guy for him and I had made “goodies” for his mom and step-dad. So, he calls me on Wednesday morning and asks if we can meet at Sonic instead. This should have been my first clue.
Now, he knows I’m not a huge fan of fast-food, which he admittedly could eat 6 days out of 7 and this is supposed to be our Christmas lunch since I won’t be spending the holiday with him. I declined. He then stumbled a bit and said we would have to go Dutch if we ate anywhere else. I asked if he had not gotten paid the week before and he said he had but that he had spent all his money on Christmas presents. But, he didn’t get mine yet. He’d have to wait to buy mine until he got his commission check. I reluctantly agreed to meet him at another restaurant, also close to where he works and go Dutch.
So, I arrive at the restaurant and it’s uncomfortable but we make it through lunch OK. I see him fumbling in his wallet, looking like he doesn’t have enough cash, (he only has about $20 to last him until his next paycheck) so I offer to pick up the tab for lunch. He is thankful and all I can think of at that moment is how we’ve now been living apart for almost two months and I’m still paying for everything.
He still doesn’t have the ability to plan in advance. I’m not angry that I had to fork over the money for lunch, no pun intended. It’s just that if this is his way of trying to “win me back” believe me it’s not working. He has failed to show me that he can take charge of a situation and be in control of anything except his job. He does so well there he’s been awarded a promotion. While this just reinforces my decision to leave it also reinforces the idea that “I’m just not worth it.” I am not worth him even planning in advance enough to pick up an extra $10 for lunch.
posted by Ephemeral | 10:43 AM
3 Comments:
OHhh yes you are worth it. i know that feeling..as if because of his actions (or lack thereof), you have no worth, but you ARE worth it. That and so, so,so much more!
As a man, I feel like I should apologize on behalf of the entire male gender.
As a human, what you described made me hurt, hurt, hurt for you.
As one who knows you only from a handful of artfully expressed feelings and desires, I wish you a warrior-poet who knows how to worship his princess properly.
Your kind words are a warm blanket. Thank you.
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