I feel totally empty right now. I'm exhausted and tired and it will likely go on for another 9 months. I am continually amazed at how physically exhausting emotional issues are. I want to go home, crawl into bed, and sleep until next Christmas. Then maybe I'd be ready for something, anything.

We had a counseling session last week, and he has made some progress. He said the separation was probably a good thing because it made him realize he needed to make some changes. He also admitted to being a slob. However, it took living with someone who is more of a slob than he is before he realized how bad he was/is. That hurt, just like everything else hurts too.

I brought up the "if we'd had sex more often, I'd have been able to keep the house clean" discussion. The Doc said how interesting that it appears he was only willing to "behave" if he were to be rewarded. His behavior had to be rewarded or he wasn't willing to put forth the effort to do the right thing.

I spent the last 15 minutes alone with the therapist and he asked me how old I thought my husband was, emotionally speaking that is. I said, I think he's about 15. Doc agreed because 15-year-olds are still under the impression they must be rewarded for their good behavior. Interesting, no?

I realize I'm in limbo and total transition. I feel like I'm walking in the ocean and the tide is just beginning to pull. Life feels thick, like sludge and I'm having a hard time making sense of what is around me. My memory is shot as well. I cannot remember what I did last night or what I had for lunch yesterday. I have to sit and think about something as simple as what I had for lunch or even if I had lunch. Sad.

I'm missing. What you ask? Me. I'm missing me.