Depression

The older I get the more difficult it becomes to regulate my depression. I'm in the worst place I've been in about four years.

I am in therapy. I've been seeing a counselor about three times a month since February and like all good therapy I've discovered many issues I repressed and tucked deep down inside of me.

I guess I have good days...but it's more like I have good moments. I have hours, maybe a whole day, of feeling normal. Then I have hours and days of feeling like something has overtaken my soul and is slowly killing me.

Sometimes I can string good moments together to last several days. But... even in the middle of that I have horrible crying jags and feeling of absolute and total worthlessness. Sometimes I can talk myself out of those or just get enough "oomph" together to tell myself to get over myself.

Lately though. It is just not possible to do that.

Three weeks ago I had a meltdown of major proportions. I had no idea ones eyelids could swell from so much crying. But, mine did. I cried so much and hurt so badly I could feel physical pain from it.

I don't know what it will take to get out of it. I know it's a chemical imbalance. I know I am triggering at an alarmingly high rate. I know that I have cried more in the last few months than, honestly, in the last few years. I don't know if the Cymbalta is working at all. I don't know how long it will last.

I only know that right now it has me in it's death grip and I am exhausted from trying to escape.