Neverland
I want to be a child again. I want to be where I'm secure, happy, and protected. I want to be insulated and sheltered from the harsh realities of the world. I'm tired of being an adult. I've managed to keep it together for a long time. Now that it is finally winding down I feel as if I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown.
As of the 26th of October we were living apart for one year. On November 1 he finally signed the separation agreement I'd been carrying around in my car since July. At his request, I then returned my engagement ring. He said it was a symbol of his undying love and affection and since I was the one ending that love I didn't get to keep the ring. I didn't have the energy to argue.
On the 10th of November On the 14th of November he accepted service of papers for my intention of divorce and came to my attorney's office to sign them. On the 15th of December my attorney will file the paperwork with the State of North Carolina. Then it will go before a judge and I will be granted what my state calls an "absolute divorce." We don't even have to appear in court. The judge signing off on the papers is simply a formality.
Due to the holidays I'll likely still be married through the end of December and the beginning of January. I cannot renew my driver's license until I have my decree of divorce so that I can change my name. It expired on the 21st of October, my 35th birthday. Thus, I'm now considered a "high risk" flyer and every time I arrive at the airport I'm thoroughly searched. Joy. I also get the joy of having to file my taxes as married for yet another year.
I went home to Arkansas for Thanksgiving and it was wonderful. They are all lobbying for me to return home and make a life there. I just don't know if I can. I suppose on some fronts it would be much easier. On others, so much more difficult.
I just don't know that I'm strong enough to be the person I want to be under the pressure and all the things that would be expected of me there. I'm not just Ephemeral there. I'm so-and-so's daughter. I'm expected to behave a certain way, participate in certain things, have certain political and social views, and be very conservative. Compared to the rest of the world.... I'm conservative. Compared to my family?.... well, let's just say my brother continually calls me "the hippie."
Sometimes I feel like I don't fit in anywhere.
As of the 26th of October we were living apart for one year. On November 1 he finally signed the separation agreement I'd been carrying around in my car since July. At his request, I then returned my engagement ring. He said it was a symbol of his undying love and affection and since I was the one ending that love I didn't get to keep the ring. I didn't have the energy to argue.
On the 10th of November On the 14th of November he accepted service of papers for my intention of divorce and came to my attorney's office to sign them. On the 15th of December my attorney will file the paperwork with the State of North Carolina. Then it will go before a judge and I will be granted what my state calls an "absolute divorce." We don't even have to appear in court. The judge signing off on the papers is simply a formality.
Due to the holidays I'll likely still be married through the end of December and the beginning of January. I cannot renew my driver's license until I have my decree of divorce so that I can change my name. It expired on the 21st of October, my 35th birthday. Thus, I'm now considered a "high risk" flyer and every time I arrive at the airport I'm thoroughly searched. Joy. I also get the joy of having to file my taxes as married for yet another year.
I went home to Arkansas for Thanksgiving and it was wonderful. They are all lobbying for me to return home and make a life there. I just don't know if I can. I suppose on some fronts it would be much easier. On others, so much more difficult.
I just don't know that I'm strong enough to be the person I want to be under the pressure and all the things that would be expected of me there. I'm not just Ephemeral there. I'm so-and-so's daughter. I'm expected to behave a certain way, participate in certain things, have certain political and social views, and be very conservative. Compared to the rest of the world.... I'm conservative. Compared to my family?.... well, let's just say my brother continually calls me "the hippie."
Sometimes I feel like I don't fit in anywhere.
posted by Ephemeral | 9:44 AM
4 Comments:
You're stronger than you think. Just be yourself and be kind to yourself.
*kisses*
C
I often wonder what it would be like to know the non-crisis you. Your posts eloquently portray the frustration and pain that usurped your youthful dreams. Yet beneath it all, the 24-year-old E who set out to find love and happiness is still alive and kicking--even though she's now older, wiser, less naive, and more experienced. I suspect that you have a wealth of good things to offer the world. You certainly have more tools and skills with which to secure your dreams than you did 10+ years ago.
As you said in your first post, your life has come full circle. Like the gyre. You may be revisiting similar circumstances in your life, but you now have a higher vantage point and a perspective informed by wisdom and experience.
Arkansas, huh? Hippie, eh? Well, we have two more things in common, my friend.
I wonder if you'd ever want to correspond via email.
Yes, PB I've thought for a long time we probably have a lot in common. I use Volcanomail as my primary email address and the address is the name by which you know me.
I've been thinking of you, E. Hope you're strong and claiming some happiness.
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