Tar Baby
Don’t know why; just down. OK, that is not entirely true. I stopped taking my Zoloft, with any regularity, about six weeks ago and now my prescription has lapsed and I need to go back to the Doctor for a refill. In fact, I stopped taking most of my medication, except for the 800mgs of Ibuprofen about three times a day to stave off a migraine.
Why? I don’t know. I suppose I’m tired of being dependant on pills to regulate my mood, my blood pressure, my headaches, life. I suppose in a way it is self punishment. Deep down within side of me there’s a black mass, my tar baby, I can’t explain. In that mass are feelings that I deserve everything I’m going through. All this hurt, all this angst, pain, sorrow, anger, all of it. I deserve every last bit of it.
Not taking my medication is in some ways a physical manifestation of those emotions. I can deal with physical pain. Having had daily headaches for the last 19 years and Migraines for the last 10 years I’ve learned to cope, and push through, physical pain. As sick and twisted as it sounds, right now the physical pain reminds me that I’m alive but again, it’s also punishment.
High blood pressure (as a result of the years of stress) is also known as the Silent Killer. I know if left untreated it can do irreparable damage to body. In those deep, dark corners of my mind, I feel I deserve whatever havoc it wants to wreak.
I know, I know, I need years of therapy. I agree. I simply cannot afford it right now.
On the one hand, I’m ready to move on with my life and I’m feeling maudlin for the white picket fence, nostalgia for happily ever after. On the other hand, I don’t feel I deserve, or have the right to, happiness, peace, pleasure, security, love, or even health for that matter. Maybe that’s why it took me so long to actually leave him.
Again, I suppose I felt I deserved to stay in a toxic and dysfunctional relationship because I was raised with the idea of “You’ve made your bed, now you must lie in it.” The world of my family is very black and white; there are always clear and definitive paths. I don’t see the world that way; I never have. However, I’ve found it difficult to eschew the values assigned to my life and find the values which work for me—thus the dichotomy. I don’t blame my parents. In fact, they’ve been amazingly supportive and quite honestly, wanted me to leave before I ever did. They’ve mellowed with my circumstances. Their love is completely unconditional. Still, I feel I’m such a huge disappointment to them.
It’s exhausting to be at war with oneself.
I’ve been playing with these theories within my head for a while and this is the first time I’ve ever stated them. There’s a bit of a release even in the admission but I still feel like a tar baby in quicksand.
Why? I don’t know. I suppose I’m tired of being dependant on pills to regulate my mood, my blood pressure, my headaches, life. I suppose in a way it is self punishment. Deep down within side of me there’s a black mass, my tar baby, I can’t explain. In that mass are feelings that I deserve everything I’m going through. All this hurt, all this angst, pain, sorrow, anger, all of it. I deserve every last bit of it.
Not taking my medication is in some ways a physical manifestation of those emotions. I can deal with physical pain. Having had daily headaches for the last 19 years and Migraines for the last 10 years I’ve learned to cope, and push through, physical pain. As sick and twisted as it sounds, right now the physical pain reminds me that I’m alive but again, it’s also punishment.
High blood pressure (as a result of the years of stress) is also known as the Silent Killer. I know if left untreated it can do irreparable damage to body. In those deep, dark corners of my mind, I feel I deserve whatever havoc it wants to wreak.
I know, I know, I need years of therapy. I agree. I simply cannot afford it right now.
On the one hand, I’m ready to move on with my life and I’m feeling maudlin for the white picket fence, nostalgia for happily ever after. On the other hand, I don’t feel I deserve, or have the right to, happiness, peace, pleasure, security, love, or even health for that matter. Maybe that’s why it took me so long to actually leave him.
Again, I suppose I felt I deserved to stay in a toxic and dysfunctional relationship because I was raised with the idea of “You’ve made your bed, now you must lie in it.” The world of my family is very black and white; there are always clear and definitive paths. I don’t see the world that way; I never have. However, I’ve found it difficult to eschew the values assigned to my life and find the values which work for me—thus the dichotomy. I don’t blame my parents. In fact, they’ve been amazingly supportive and quite honestly, wanted me to leave before I ever did. They’ve mellowed with my circumstances. Their love is completely unconditional. Still, I feel I’m such a huge disappointment to them.
It’s exhausting to be at war with oneself.
I’ve been playing with these theories within my head for a while and this is the first time I’ve ever stated them. There’s a bit of a release even in the admission but I still feel like a tar baby in quicksand.
posted by Ephemeral | 5:17 PM
2 Comments:
I'm a firm believer in therapy, having learned a great deal about myself in formal and informal counseling sessions. The most valuable thing I learned, I think, was to listen to the metaphors I use to describe myself, my world, my circumstances. It was a valuable piece of advice in that it enabled me to recognize my state of mind by the language that I use. We don't always know what condition our condition is in (to paraphrase Supergrass), but we can be certain that what we say is a byproduct of our mindset.
So...you bash yourself. A lot. What's up with that? Conditioning? The result of having been bashed so much that you think you deserve it? Perhaps by continually saying negative things about yourself you hope that someone will argue with you and tell you that you're wrong.
I could tell you, and I scarcely know you. Your parents sound like the kind of people who would tell you that you deserve to be happy, but they really aren't your caretakers anymore. You are, E.
To climb out of your rut, one of the first things you need to do is to overthrow your brain's silly condemnations with affirmations. Each time you bash yourself--in print, in your conversations, or in your mind--refuse to accept it; instead, tell yourself something positive about yourself. Even when you're still and quiet, whisper kind things into your heart's ear. I know it sounds silly, but you can recondition your mind and your self-image by simply reminding yourself over and over just how good and valuable you are.
I'll keep telling you, but it means more coming from you. (-;
Haven't heard from you in quite a while, my friend. Could mean things are going well or that all hell has broken loose. I wish you the former, of course.
I'm looking forward to your next posting.
Post a Comment
<< Home